Well, I know I've said that this blog is all about ambition and positivity and hapiness but tonight is so much different than that. Tonight I feel alone and lonely and hopeless. Tonight is going to be a tough one. So I decided to write about it because there might be some people out there who feel the same way.
Lately everything seems to be wrong. These past few months have been so stressful and empty at the same time that I've ended up feeling totally drained. "What do you want to do in the future?" "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" "What do you want to study?". Such innocent questions. So simple. But what if I don't know the answer to them? What if future is just something blury for you? What if you know some things you want to accomplish but nothing more than that? Am I the only one here? Is everyone else so sure about what they want to do and how to do it? How did they find the answers to those questions? And what about the present? Doesn't it matter as much? Musn't the present be the one we should make prettier? The one that we should care about more than the future? Yes, I want to be happy in the future, but what about now? Am I not meant to be happy now? Why? Why are we so obsessed with the future? Yes, it will come one day. But aren't we supposed to figure out everything that has to do with it when it finally comes? Yes, I can make plans, but what if things don't go right? What if I end up somewhere else? Somewhere I never imagined I would end up? Should we make plans for every alternative? And how will I now all the things that could happen? How will I know if there is a chance I could end up in Sydney or Iraq or maybe in Alaska? What if there is no chance I will end up where I want to end up? What if I'm chasing an unreachable dream? These thoughts go through my mind everyday.
Yes, I am stressed about the future and maybe just as much as everybody else, but what about the present? Am I supposed to feel this empty? So sad and hopeless. So lonely. So envious of other people's lives. I fell like I can't get out of it without some help. I need someone to get me out of this dark hole but everyone around me either believes that "I'm fine" or they don't care. Is there someone out there that will totally understand me? And if there is, will I ever meet that someone? Are they supposed to be my "soulmate"? Or just someone who is willing to help me?
I don't know. Everything looks so.. so.. I don't know. I don't even have a word for it. All I know is that it isn't right. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but noone said it would be so hard.
Lately everything seems to be wrong. These past few months have been so stressful and empty at the same time that I've ended up feeling totally drained. "What do you want to do in the future?" "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" "What do you want to study?". Such innocent questions. So simple. But what if I don't know the answer to them? What if future is just something blury for you? What if you know some things you want to accomplish but nothing more than that? Am I the only one here? Is everyone else so sure about what they want to do and how to do it? How did they find the answers to those questions? And what about the present? Doesn't it matter as much? Musn't the present be the one we should make prettier? The one that we should care about more than the future? Yes, I want to be happy in the future, but what about now? Am I not meant to be happy now? Why? Why are we so obsessed with the future? Yes, it will come one day. But aren't we supposed to figure out everything that has to do with it when it finally comes? Yes, I can make plans, but what if things don't go right? What if I end up somewhere else? Somewhere I never imagined I would end up? Should we make plans for every alternative? And how will I now all the things that could happen? How will I know if there is a chance I could end up in Sydney or Iraq or maybe in Alaska? What if there is no chance I will end up where I want to end up? What if I'm chasing an unreachable dream? These thoughts go through my mind everyday.
Yes, I am stressed about the future and maybe just as much as everybody else, but what about the present? Am I supposed to feel this empty? So sad and hopeless. So lonely. So envious of other people's lives. I fell like I can't get out of it without some help. I need someone to get me out of this dark hole but everyone around me either believes that "I'm fine" or they don't care. Is there someone out there that will totally understand me? And if there is, will I ever meet that someone? Are they supposed to be my "soulmate"? Or just someone who is willing to help me?
I don't know. Everything looks so.. so.. I don't know. I don't even have a word for it. All I know is that it isn't right. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but noone said it would be so hard.